Today....I felt like a doctor

I felt like a doctor today as I awoke from a restless night on call. My shoulders and neck hurt as I arched out of the bed and toward the shower. The rest of the house was asleep and the streets were dark. I gently placed my pager and telephone on top of the toilet as I disrobed to get in the shower. The face of the pager showing 5 messages. I had cleared it the night before laying down for sleep.

I felt like a doctor today as I raced through traffic on the expressway. My pager beeping incessantly as I adjusted my blue tooth and answered phone calls. It has been so long since I could drive to work without being interrupted. I briefly caught a look at myself in the rear view mirror. My eyes tired and my head balding.

I felt like a doctor today as I dashed up the hospital stairs. My long gray coat bumping against my knees and my stethoscope almost falling out of the deep pockets. The secretaries at the nursing stations nod as I pass by. "Good morning doctor!". As if there was no place they would rather be at six in the morning.

I felt like a doctor today. Entering the quiet room. The sun starting to peak through the hospital windows. My patent's last sunrise. His eyes rolled back and breathing long drawn out breaths with uncomfortable pauses in between.

I felt like a doctor as I stood at his side. My stethoscope useless. My knowledge impotent. And waited sadly for death from an uncertain disease.

I felt like a doctor today....helpless

Because in medical school no ever taught me that every battle is lost in the end...

You just hope for a few small victories to keep you going...

From time to time